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Summer '04 RIDES Review
“I pull up in the black Lotus / Ya plaques are bogus.” –Ludacris
Just in case you let your subscription to “RIDES” magazine lapse (RIDES is the self proclaimed “illest car magazine ever!”), their Summer ’04 issue has 3 pages dedicated to the Elise titled “Napoleon Complex – Don’t take the Lotus Elise’s small size for weakness. The sports car boogies like Allen Iverson on a Breakaway”.
Driving a go-cart is an acquired taste. Sitting on a dinner tray a few inches off the ground, you get a steering wheel, an engine, four tiny tires and a rudimentary suspension. And the G-forces are vicious. But if you love to drive, switching four lanes in a go-cart triggers endorphins that keeps you coming back for more.
I’m sorry, did I say go-cart? I meant to say Lotus Elise. Read the above paragraph again, substituting the word “Elise” for “go-cart”.
The differences between the two machines are both obvious and unimportant: size, doors, roof, gearbox and top end. The similarities, on the other hand, are startling: ride height low enough to slip under trucks, a tiny engine with a narrow but brutally effective power band, steering and suspension so direct you wonder where the machine ends and your nervous system begins; and handling so precise it feels as if you’re driving with your entire body.
No question: the Elise has as much appeal as a Serena Williams Playboy spread. A serious speed merchant can exploit the Elise’s ultra-communicative chassis to slide the English pocket rocket around a bend. And mere mortals can outpace a Porsche just by keeping everything smooth and steady. If you love to drive, the diminutive roadster is just about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on – unless you drive naked.
But all is not fast and furious. A few shortcomings intrude upon the Elise’s car-gasmic thrill ride. The engine lacks charisma. An automobile this sensual deserves some kind of signature howl to remind drivers that Major Fun is in the house (think Lil Jon’s screams of “yeeah!”). The brakes need more bite and feel; they’re effective rather than impressive. And the suspension crashes over potholes with so much force you instinctively check the rear mirror for missing pieces.
Yet all that is nothing compared to the Elise’s user-friendly feedback, perfect poise and take-no-prisoners death grip on the tarmac. And it’s so easy. Even a driver raised on SUVs can extract maximum pleasure from every one of the Elise’s 190 horses.
Wait! Don’t laugh. The extruded aluminum and fiberglass Elise weighs just 1900 pounds. Thrash the Toyota-sourced 1.8 four-cylinder engine and the featherweight champ zings. And don’t forget: when your butt’s two feet off the ground, anything more than a walking pace feels fast. Sixty feels like 100. One hundred feels like Mach 1. You get the point: The Lotus Elise is the finest road-legal driver’s car there is.
Now let’s look at the practical side… There isn’t any. The Elise is a sports car from the Old School; the one with drafty classrooms, rock hard chairs and no AV equipment. In the relentless pursuit of weight reduction, Lotus has equipped the Elise with nothing whatsoever. There’s a climate control system, a standard radio and that’s it. Carpets? Central locking? No chance. Trunk space? Only handbags need apply. Electric oil or temperature gauges? We don’t need no stinkin’ gauges!
Where other sports car manufacturers wee buyers with creature comforts and hi-tech toys, Lotus offers a Zen rock garden and dares you to complain. Purists won’t. But there’s no getting around the fact that the Elise is too damn small. Anyone who can’t do the Yoga position known as the “the Bow” should not attempt to position themselves in the four-foot slot between the Elise’ roof and doorsill without a chiropractor’s number on speed dial. You don’t sit in this thing as much as wear it. If you can pass as Bone Crusher’s stunt double, but have an uncontrollable need for speed, it is mandatory that you implement a low-carb diet. Immediately.
There are alternatives. If you’re too big or too old to limbo aboard, simply remove the Elise’s roof, stand on the seats, lower yourself in and go. And if bystanders try to play you for driving something that looks like a scale model of a “real” sports car, brush that dirt off your shoulder. Despite the obvious styling cues – a pastiche of every supercar cliché ever made – the Lotus Elise is no miniature Ferrari. It’s a lat better than that.
*************** Sidebar – SPECS ***************
Damage: $39,985
Floss Factor: Big boys might like big toys, so the overall impression is, um, “small”. But the Elise appeals to the more selective car connoisseur, since it’s an eccentric if modern blend of every supercar ever built.
Horsepower: 190
Top Speed: 158
Interior Extras: Nada, Nothing. The Lotus Elise is a custom shop’s dream because it’s practically a clean slate.
0-60 MPH: 4.9 seconds.
Gas Cash: Expect to pay $40 and up.
Celeb Clientele: This ride is perfect for Common, Pharrell, and Kanye West – slightly-built artists with an eye for the unique.
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-Story by Robert Farago.
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